A write old life.

Dougie Brimson. Author, screenwriter, serial moaner.

My boring writers life…


A couple of years ago, in one of my very early blogs, I wrote about the idea of my writing my autobiography.

Recently, on more than one occasion in fact, this subject has been broached again but just as I did back then, I have dismissed the idea not simply because I can’t actually imagine why on earth anyone would be interested in little old me, but also because I have led a life which has been, shall we say, eventful. Indeed, back then I made the point that were I to commit it all to print, large portions of it would be disregarded as some kind of Walter Mitty fantasy but the truth is that the last two years have seen even more episodes added to the soap opera that is my existence that would actually make it sound even more bizarre than it might have back then!

However, as the release of Wings of a Sparrow rapidly approaches, I filled a couple of hours of the calm before the hopeful storm by sitting down and listing some of the more interesting events which would make it in should I ever decide to take the plunge. I also threw in a few things which not many people actually know about me and purely for a bit of self-indulgence, thought I would share some of them.

In the interests of common decency I have edited out anything involving either women or sex (thank god I hear you cry!) as well as anything which might incriminate either myself or anyone else. I can however, assure you that everything listed here is absolutely true. And then some!

So, in no particular order, I…

used to smoke 60 Marlboro a day. I would start again tomorrow.

once fell asleep whilst riding a motorbike and only woke up when I left the road and went through a hedge. I didn’t come off and yes, I was drunk, very drunk in fact. I’ve never again ridden or driven with alcohol inside me as I am terrified of losing my licence.

have eaten all kinds of odd things on my travels but the weirdest are Elk liver pate and sliced Reindeer tongue. Both were quite nice.

have only ever broken three bones and they were all as a result of sport. Nose (boxing) and two ribs (stock car racing).

once dropped a car on my hands and the only way I could get free was to simply wrench them out.  Sadly, not many of my nails made it and yes, it really was as painful as you imagine.

rarely drink these days because I am useless at it (and as previously stated, am terrified of losing my driving licence).

love giving random people compliments.

receive at least one email or tweet a day asking me something relating to Green Street.

have taken part in all kinds of different motorsport with some success, but my proudest achievement was 8th place in the 1988 world banger racing finals.

was, on two separate occasions, in the exact spot where just 24 hours later the IRA carried out  assassinations of British servicemen.

have only ever been arrested three times; Once for theft of my own property from my own motor vehicle (!) and twice on the TV show, ‘The Bill’.

would love to write a proper full-on love story from a blokes perspective.

have ridden a motorbike at 170 plus and driven a car at over 150. Both were my own.

have only ever taken my daughters to one football game and specifically chose it to dissuade them from ever wanting to go again. It worked. Thanks Norwich.

love a good conspiracy theory.

am a firm believer in all things spiritual and have had all kinds of ghostly encounters over the years.

have always wanted to own a Range Rover. I don’t. Yet.

have only ever been invited to three literary events during my career. Two of those were to do with moaning about something, the third came about purely because I asked why I hadn’t been invited!

was just over a week away from leaving for a four month tour of the Falkland Islands when a psychic told my wife that I wouldn’t be going. I didn’t, I developed a stomach ulcer instead.

once ended up in court as a defence witness in a case against someone who was accused of assaulting me (think about that for a moment).

have seen not one, but three planes crash.

was scheduled to be on the ‘Herald of Free Enterprise’ when it sank outside Zeebrugge but cancelled the trip at the last minute.

once had a German policeman point a gun at my head and switch the safety catch to ‘off’.

have been involved in a (very) high speed car chase with the police. I was being chased, not chasing.

once had a bounty placed on my head (not the chocolate kind either!) and was targeted by an extremely nasty political organisation.

once swore at Lady Sarah Ferguson (by accident, not because I don’t like her).

was once involved in a fight during a live TV show.

have only been a best man once and that was at a same sex wedding (and it was brilliant!).

have a desire to run for public office and almost ran in the first ever ‘Mayor of London’ election. I still have plans to form my own political party.

run my own charity for British servicemen and women.

once got up and walked off of a live prime time UK TV news programme because they described me as a ‘football hooligan’ when I had asked them not to. I did warn them I would.

never play computer games (boring) and never watch horror movies (coward).

am one of the most popular British writers in Russia and sell more books there than anywhere else bar the UK.

have had two mates die in front of me. Both were on motorcycles and yes, I still ride.

am terrified of heights.

once stole a parrot. I did take it back.

secretly inserted 14 things into the initial script of Green Street which were either ‘in-jokes’ or referred to something very personal. They all made it onto the screen but only half of them have ever been worked out.

once spent an afternoon all alone in a little cove on Ascension Island swimming naked amongst a swarm of little black fish only to discover later on that they were actually sea water Piranha’s. Barely a week later, that same shoal (or their mates) stripped the face off someone who fell off a ship into the sea.

once sold condoms for a living.

adore America but my favourite city is St. Petersburg.

was one of the first, if not THE first, person in the west to know about the Chernobyl disaster.

was once held hostage by a cow (bovine, not female).

was once involved in an actual UFO related incident (and no, I wasn’t abducted or probed!).

have never knowingly eaten a yoghurt (the devils sperm).

turned down the opportunity to invest in the setting up of a very famous website which was subsequently sold for many millions!

was once trapped in my car for 24 hours by the snow.

am an appalling flirt. It always gets me into trouble.

am a Falklands Veteran and was the first RAF member of the South Atlantic Task Force to have his post disestablished after the War.

have been a guest at Buckingham Palace three times.

once punched a donkey on the nose. It hurt. Me, not it.

have flown a Harrier jump jet (not by myself obviously!).

have never knowingly taken, sniffed or smoked any kind of illegal substance!

appeared in the James Bond movie, Goldeneye and once had a screen test as a potential presenter for ‘Top Gear’ (I didn’t get the gig).

And finally….

As anyone who actually knows me will testify, I am actually quite boring, quite shy and am utterly useless at small talk.

ebook, novel, comedy, humour, football, soccer, city, united, brimson, author, amazon, kindle, itunes

 

My new book, Wings of a Sparrow, should be published online this Saturday (1st December). I’ll be blogging about that on the day!

Could I once again thank everyone keeping The Crew at #1 on the football download chart. That’s into the 15th month now and not surprisingly, makes The Crew the most downloaded football book of 2012 by some margin.

Not bad for a book first written 13 years ago!

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3 comments on “My boring writers life…

  1. purplediva
    November 29, 2012

    You have eaten yoghurt…You’ve had yoghurt ice cream and you never knew and I giggled to myself knowing what you were eating! and oh yes, I can confirm that no one would believe your life over the past couple of years. Walter Mitty is an amateur in comparison….

  2. Abi
    November 29, 2012

    OMG! Very eventful…………….seriously UFO!!!!! . I want a Range Rover Evoque badly!!!!!!!! 🙂 nice write up…..

  3. Kristyna Blue
    November 30, 2012

    Yoghurt is nothing like sperm 😮 It doesnt make your teeth squeak 😉

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