Dougie Brimson. Author, screenwriter, serial moaner.
Like many people, I have a number of phobia’s. I don’t like mice (too quick!), am terrified of heights (albeit on account of once being on a 25 foot platform which fell over) and I’m not overly keen on snakes. However, I also have another phobia. I suffer from achondroplasiaphobia.
Quite why I have ended up with this affliction escapes me although I suspect, like many sufferers, it can be traced back to watching ‘The Wizard of Oz’ when I was a kid. You see achondroplasiaphobia is a fear of midgets and the truth is, they scare the shit out of me.
I dodge them in the street, can’t watch them on TV and the idea of going to panto (where there always seems to be at least one if not more!) has never entered my head. I suspect it also explains my hatred of Christmas. Damn elves.
It is of course, grossly unfair. Not on me, but on them. I’ve met a few wee folk over the years and they have generally been exceptionally nice and far more normal than many…. well, ‘normal’ folk. But there is something about them I find extremely unnerving.
It could be of course, that they always seem to be smiling. Almost as if they know something I don’t. Indeed, I do have a theory that they are actually all aliens from the planet Munchkin and will one day rise up (pun intended) and take over. The reason they are short merely a consequence of someone on some far distant planet reading the design brief wrong. Extreme I know, but there has to be something that explains it!
Or it could be the fact that their legs are so short and seem to move so quickly. Ironic given that I am also somewhat challenged in the length of leg department!
Whatever it is, it is something I have to get over if only out of respect and courtesy for those who are vertically challenged. However, I am struggling to work out how best to effect a cure. I did try calling ‘Midgets Anonymous’ but no one was able to reach the phone.
Given that those with a fear of spiders are advised to simply hold one for a while and they will soon realise that they aren’t actually scary at all, I did consider grabbing a passing dwarf and rubbing myself all over with him or her for a while. But I quickly realised that doing so might cause problems of a different kind and whilst I have never minded my name appearing in print, I don’t really want it mentioned in any ‘midget molester’ context.
I also thought about spending a weekend watching the aforementioned Wizard of Oz back to back with Charlie and the Chocolate Factory until such time as I can do it without squirming in my seat but the idea of that simply fills me with horror. Especially since I’m on a diet and are off the sweets.
So quite what is to be done escapes me for a while. But rest assured I am on the case. Although I could simply wait until they have taken over the planet. Because by then, we’ll all be afraid. And maybe with good reason!!!
But at least then I’ll be able to say I told you so!