A write old life.

Dougie Brimson. Author, screenwriter, serial moaner.

Things That Annoy Me (Part Four – Midgets)

Like many people, I have a number of phobia’s. I don’t like mice (too quick!), am terrified of heights (albeit on account of once being on a 25 foot platform which fell over) and I’m not overly keen on snakes. However, I also have another phobia. I suffer from achondroplasiaphobia.   

Quite why I have ended up with this affliction escapes me although I suspect, like many sufferers, it can be traced back to watching ‘The Wizard of Oz’ when I was a kid. You see achondroplasiaphobia is a fear of midgets and the truth is, they scare the shit out of me.

I dodge them in the street, can’t watch them on TV and the idea of going to panto (where there always seems to be at least one if not more!) has never entered my head. I suspect it also explains my hatred of Christmas. Damn elves.

It is of course, grossly unfair. Not on me, but on them. I’ve met a few wee folk over the years and they have generally been exceptionally nice and far more normal than many…. well, ‘normal’ folk. But there is something about them I find extremely unnerving.

It could be of course, that they always seem to be smiling. Almost as if they know something I don’t. Indeed, I do have a theory that they are actually all aliens from the planet Munchkin and will one day rise up (pun intended) and take over. The reason they are short merely a consequence of someone on some far distant planet reading the design brief wrong. Extreme I know, but there has to be something that explains it!

Or it could be the fact that their legs are so short and seem to move so quickly. Ironic given that I am also somewhat challenged in the length of leg department!

Whatever it is, it is something I have to get over if only out of respect and courtesy for those who are vertically challenged. However, I am struggling to work out how best to effect a cure. I did try calling ‘Midgets Anonymous’ but no one was able to reach the phone.

Given that those with a fear of spiders are advised to simply hold one for a while and they will soon realise that they aren’t actually scary at all, I did consider grabbing a passing dwarf and rubbing myself all over with him or her for a while. But I quickly realised that doing so might cause problems of a different kind and whilst I have never minded my name appearing in print, I don’t really want it mentioned in any ‘midget molester’ context.

I also thought about spending a weekend watching the aforementioned Wizard of Oz back to back with Charlie and the Chocolate Factory until such time as I can do it without squirming in my seat but the idea of that simply fills me with horror. Especially since I’m on a diet and are off the sweets.

So quite what is to be done escapes me for a while. But rest assured I am on the case. Although I could simply wait until they have taken over the planet. Because by then, we’ll all be afraid. And maybe with good reason!!!

But at least then I’ll be able to say I told you so!

6 comments on “Things That Annoy Me (Part Four – Midgets)

  1. Hazel
    August 28, 2010

    Made me smile, thanks Dougie. Probably not politically correct but who cares? Being on the short side myself I don’t mind midgets. Apart from kids they’re the only people whose heads I can see the tops of. We often quote that joke of your Dad’s about the midget and the giant, the punch line being “I put the bucket on her head and swung on the handle.” Hazel

  2. Dougie Brimson
    August 28, 2010

    Oh dear god.. I grew up with that joke! Maybe that’s where it comes from!

  3. Dave Brimson
    August 28, 2010

    Funny you should write one about midgets. In a previous response to one of your posts, I’d begun ranting about this very subject, only in relation to films. (‘If there’s a dwarf in the film, you can bet it’s crap.’ )

    I deleted it instead of submitting it, thinking it was just me being a bit sensitive!

    Anyway, if you are really after a cure, I suggest you head to a dwarf throwing contest, unless the wowsers have had them banned.


  4. Dougie Brimson
    August 28, 2010

    Agree about the movies although the midget in ‘The Hangover’ was hilarious.

    Not sure about the dwarf thowing though…. watching a tiny man fly though the air might just freak me out!!!!

  5. Mary Ann
    July 14, 2012

    Your ignorance knows no bounds. Your complete disregard for the appropriate terminology and hate speech toward a group of people who have overcome more in the first 5 years of their lives than you could in 10 lifetime is very telling.

    I hope that God blesses you with a grandchild someday that has achondroplasia and you can see first-hand the depth of your ignorance as you watch someone you love be treated differently simply because of the way they look – the way that God created them.

    Anyone can have a child with achondroplasia – it happens at conception for the most part.

    My 12 year-old daughter has done more in her life to make this world a better place than you could ever dream of doing. You dehumanize a category of people just to get a laugh thinking that it will make you seem charming?

    Your vanity and pseudo-intellectual banter has a very thin sheen … I can see through it and I am sure most people do as well. Using someone’s disability to gain favor with your small audience is cheap and shows a complete lack of creative depth.

    -Mary Ann

    • Dougie Brimson
      July 14, 2012

      I’m sure your daughter is a little sweetheart Mary. Genuinely.

      But a phobia is a phobia. Just as my blog is my blog.

      Feel free to close the door on your way out.

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This entry was posted on August 27, 2010 by in Uncategorized, writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .
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